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14 Things I’m Glad I Can’t See

Several years ago, a friend and I used to play a game when shopping at Wal-Mart. Once we got back in the car, she had to choose the weirdest person she’d seen in the store and describe them. To be sure, sometimes this was a tough decision, and she had to choose among several contenders.

On the day in question, no sooner had the car door closed than she said, “Well, there’s no contest today. There was a woman who had to be 250 pounds in shorts and a halter top. Believe me, there are just some things you don’t want to see.”

This was not the first time I’d been told this. Several years ago, I asked VIBES members what they wished they could see and wrote a post,

What I Wish I Could See.

So, today I want to balance the equation and write about just some of the things I’m glad I can’t see. There are a lot of contenders, but these are the first fourteen that come to mind. I know I’m overlooking some great choices, but these will give you the idea.

I should preface by saying that I had vision when I was younger so I know what I’m missing and am appropriately grateful. They’re in no order of importance.

1. Middle-aged men with bad toupees.

2. People wearing pajamas in public. I recently passed two children in the mall wearing pajamas imprinted with bunny rabbits. That might have been passed off as cute, but, when mom was wearing a matching set, I was glad I couldn’t see it.

3. The cute girl I had a crush on in high school. When attending a family funeral a couple of years ago, I ran into her. She’s old, fat, wrinkled, and gray. I’m really glad I couldn’t see that. I’d prefer that she always be cute, sexy, and seventeen.

4. Athletes who call attention to themselves rather than the team.

5. Trying to talk with someone with a pierced tongue. I actually did this once but, once I’d been told what I’d done and thought about it, I felt more than a little queasy.

6. My bald brother. When he was younger, he had a head of hair movie stars would kill for. I remember a friend of mine saying, “It’s a shame all that beautiful hair is wasted on a boy.” I’m glad I don’t have to see him now.

7. Moronic YouTube videos

8. Reality TV. It has been years since I have watched TV, and it has nothing to do with not being able to see the screen. As the hours of available programming increase, the stuff that is worth watching decreases. Give me 20/20 vision tomorrow, and I wouldn’t watch one more minute of television.

9. The star linebacker on our high-school football team. He had the body of a Greek god that all the boys envied and all the girls coveted. I understand that he now has a beer gut that spills over and hides his belt buckle. He used to crush ball carriers but, apparently, hasn’t crushed anything for years more than those soft aluminum cans. I really don’t want to see that.

10. Overweight sixty-year-old man wearing a Speedo. I swear I’m not making this up.

11. Middle-aged women wearing thongs. I wish I were making this up too.

12. Eighty-year-old woman with faded tattoos.

13. Men with a ponytail to the waste. Having been in college in the 60s, I like to think I’m pretty liberal when it comes to fashion, but there are limits.

14. Me aging. This is the most important. When I look in the mirror in the morning, I just picture the twenty-year-old me. It’s great. I’ve found the fountain of youth. Eat your heart out.

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